As time passes, we sometimes forget those important moments that have helped define us. But everyone should take time to think how their lives have changed and, more importantly, those events that have made them the way they are today. For me, it's always difficult to look back because so much of my past was filled with anger and sadness.
Growing up was quite difficult for me as I was a victim of constant bullying, which led to my attempted suicide. I suffered from severe autistic spectrum disorder as a child. As a result, I was that awkward kid in the corner everyone thought was weird. Unlike most who kept to themselves, however, I was starved for attention and I constantly put myself out there. I was incredibly socially inept so I made myself an easy target for just about everyone to harass. I didn't have many friends and the few friendships I had always managed to end badly. However, the one friend I did keep ended up being one of my closest and best of friends for many years and continues today.
I eventually started to make suicide threats around school. Most didn't listen or care. The few that did pay attention would tell me things like, "Why don't you? We don't care."
I was eventually hospitalized after my parents confronted me about the "alleged" threats, unaware that I had talked myself out of an attempt that night. I had spent an hour earlier hovering over a knife I had snuck into the house, imaging how I would carry out the deed. After an hour or so I finally broke down. My parents finally barged in to confront me and though I managed to hide the knife they saw the suicide note I had left on my desk.
After a week in the hospital and a month at a partial care facility, I returned to school. The harassment continued. Several of them went as far as to say that "I should have just killed myself."
The experiences definitely had a lasting effect on me. My days in middle school were definitely the darkest, as I had a reputation of being an "angry kid" in which I would constantly get into fights. In high school, I went through a "gothic" phase, spending a lot of my time writing dark, suicide-related poetry. However, during my senior year I came to some eye-opening conclusions. I reconciled many things with myself and with my creator.
I actually consider myself lucky. I suffered a great deal and survived. I know that there are many others who have not survived similar ordeals and my sympathies go to those people and their families. However, this wasn't just a personal victory. I couldn't have survived if it weren't for my family. I owe them everything for helping through those darker times.
I look at that period now as a great test of character and strength. I probably have seen some of the worst characteristics of humanity; however, I am not cynical from it. I am a big believer in living life to the fullest and appreciating mankind for better or for worse. And despite my run-ins with the darker side of human nature, I feel like that has helped me appreciate its better traits. While people are capable of hate, fear and the mob mentality that follows, I also see how people are capable of courage and strength. There is power within people, a power that extends beyond anything that can be physically depicted. Whether you want to call it willpower or the hand of God, something exists in us that allows us to rise up against hardships. I have seen and heard of individuals who have had it far worse than I and have survived, and I honor those people.
I look at my life and look at it as a way to give others hope. To those who have suffered like I have, I want you to know that there is hope and there are people out there who care about you even when it may not feel like it.
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